Memoirs of the Countess of Death

I don’t know where my life is taking me. But I have loved and l have lost. The shining light in my life are my children my reason for being. But children they are no longer they have grown and moved on. No longer in need of mother As they are fiercely independent for that I am grateful. Twice married but their lies and vices were stronger than the love I had for them. I gave much of my adult life to two men who were undeserving of my love and affection. Slowly I had started to become the shell of what I once was. But with time I found the courage to move on. Still in search of a real man that would Covet my black heart. Slowly as each moment passes my heart beats slower and grows heavier and heavier. In need of loves embrace Loneliness has many foul faces and dark lit places. Yes but there is a small ember that shining forth waiting to be kissed.

Years apart fated together Visions of you similarities held together The times I have passed you You've passed me Meant to be Meant for me What I've meant to you You've meant to me Countless stars shine on Stars from the past Sent to my future Whispers in the dark Orb my heart Encircle my soul Voices in the heavens Written love through the ages Meant to be Meant for me Always...

Blood rejected not accepted, Judge me not,Forget me not. Thy kin see me as sin. I see the hypocrisy of your words. Your words I love you I miss you. Empty and meaningless. I see them but do they see me? They love me but wish to change me. Idle as they stand by l will never be accepted. My path is my own. No desire to change I reach forth for thy embrace only to have affection with your family rejection. Is blood truly thicker than water? I say no blood only muddied your deceptive love. Water is pure,what you see is what you get,transparent for all to see. Accept me and love me reach to and embrace me. I lay in waiting for my family. Hear me? See me? Don't hurt me love me. I remain here in the cold of your rejection. I embrace the memories of smiling faces. Daughter, niece, grandaughter, mother, cousin. I am older I am wiser. Nevertheless I will always be your kin.

I stand beneath the moonlight of my mother Lilith Dancing within the black flame of Satanas Surrounded by thy majesty of the infernal union. I am with you and you are within me. I feel the wind around me I feel the rain kissed upon my lips I feel the fire within my heart I dance upon the earth beneath my feet. I call out to my brothers and sisters of the Black flame be with me! Dance with me in this infernal celebration under the light of the moon in the darkness of night. In perfect harmony of it all we dance till we fall so that we rise once more. Take your hand in mine and mine in yours joined together energies entwined call forth to the souls beyond the veil of death. The realities of one state of being and another made one just for that moment in time you are not alone. For many have become one in times endless abyss.

Dark Father ! Be here with me! I stand beneath the blood moon of your immortal beloved. Seeking your infernal guidance, to feel the dark radiance of your knowledge. Allow me to bathe within the black flame of your embrace. My eternal gratitude for all that you have given me. Freedom of the will to be what I wish. Satan as you orb my heart with all that I am. Dark Mother Lilith, your strength is unwavering and true! Hails to you Mother Lilith! A true daughter of Lilith for always in this life and the next. Slave to no one for my eyes are wide open! I seek not deliverance from the false god of Abraham! I stand amongst the loyal Legions with their hearts filled with the infernal grace of Satanas! Foolish are the children of Abraham like lambs to the slaughter. The blood of the innocent cursed to be sheep. Forever free to walk The left hand path eternally. Always a student of the truth that lies ahead. I will not be blinded by the false teachings of the many. For the truth of hi...

Alone I walk to meet death my dear friend he has visited many times. He waits for me and I am never alone for he is with me. Death calls out to me, Take my hand… The road ahead is a long one but which way to go? Come to me he whispers come to me… I fear not where he will take me. But I am not ready my friend it’s not my time to go. I still have much to do. Be patient my dark friend I will see you on the other side.

My heart grows weary of your inconsiderate ways. The actions of your weakness to the bottle fills me both with anger and sadness nothing sates my soul. Your words become meaningless and empty because there is no truth that spill forth from your mouth. I am torn because I have given you my heart I am torn because I once believed in you. You find fault in me because of your own short comings. I cannot bear to watch you act as a fool blindly walks into the darkness Senseless rambling of a mad man Still I love you still I listen for your heart beating in the distance the being you once were Still I remain broken and in love with you forever… I have much to tell you yet my words fall and go unheard … My rage builds as you continue to drag me down.. Alone I remain waiting for you … Silent and waiting for the one I love to return to me..

Have you ever noticed that in many cultures that deities that have similarities and symbols that seem to show up as you come to study Demons and Gods and Goddesses? Perhaps most may not see this as I do but some may also agree with me. The way I see it is this way for example as you know demons tend to have many names and have many guises as well so some may not make this connection. I had first made this correlation with Lilith as she is a goddess that holds great strength and pride in being a strong female not to be trifled with in my opinion but the correlation I found was that of her demeanor and well she uses the name Kali which happens to be one of her known names. Another of my observations was that of the Serpent in both representations. Now do you think this just a simple coincidence? I think not so I think if you would come to try this theory by simply looking into other pantheons and cultures and even religions you will find a great many similarities. You may be surprised. ...

I am here but you do see me I talk to you but you don’t hear me I miss you do you miss me? Surround yourself with others but what of me? Reassurances made but not kept. In the darkness of night you feel me but do you see me? My once bright light dimmed by neglect My face is but a memory my voice still unheard. I stand before you arm spreads open Walk over my grave not yet grown cold. Will you remember me? The good times, The bad times, or just the hard times? Once I felt so alive by the love you gave me No longer excited no longer loved no longer wanted? Do you hear me? Do you see me? Can you feel the caress of my hand? Do you love me… My eternal question to you…

I spill my blood forth for my mother Lilith! She who dances in the Black Flame within my heart my arms raised and horns of respect. She the divine feminine who has gave me the life’s blood within me. I stand before you Mother Lilith in adoration of your wisdom, beauty and strength! Always your daughter always your creation always your priestess! Your essence excites me like fire in my veins! Divine mother I call upon you by your many names! LABARTU! LAMASHTU! LILDTHA! LILI! LILIT! LILITU! LILLU! LILU! LILLAKE! ABEKO! ABITO! AMIZO! BATNA! ELIO! ITA! IZORPO! KALI! KEA! LILITH! ODAM PARTASAH! PATROTA! PODO! SATRINA! TALTO! Thy celestial beauty bathed in the moonlight, my infernal mother crowned with the moon and the stars! Eyes of the serpent gazes upon me speaking to the darkest parts of my soul! The Great wings of Lilith cradle me close to her death embrace. Look to the heavens for thy messengers of thy night skies feathers of ivory fall down upon my face! Great beas...

The ugliness you have befouled my soul with sickens me. I loathe that person that I have become. I now live within the shadows with my anger and sadness. Dreaming of the eternal slumber I will never find. You have taken the beauty from my soul you emptied my heart. Cruel is thy heart of my soulless lover. Your once inner beauty gone, Time seemed to have stopped when I gave you my heart. You left me in the darkness to become the twisted soul before you. I was nothing more than a toy for your amusement. You look on as I become this monster you see before you once my soul was filled with love and beauty and shined through my eyes but no longer as that light has been extinguished my eyes empty and cold. The life I had gone my love gone my heart gone. Hold me no longer touch me no longer I am nothing without the flame that once burned for you. I am but a shell of the person I once was I’ve no passion no love no heart! I curse the day I found you!

A great beast stands before me a Stag of Black staring at my very soul. I feel great strength within me I hear the pounding of his heart as he carries me through the forest of darkness. Soon a clearing is upon me with a pool of moonlight where I find my mother’s reflection I bathe in her light.But my journey is not over. I embrace the Stag once again laying my head upon him feeling safe in his presence. Never does he leave my side nor I his. Taking me on ward and forward driven to go on the path we call life never surrendering. I raise my horns above me becoming empowered letting all that has held me back fall away I transcend into the High Priestess you see now before you. Never looking back just onward! Soon I come upon legions of my brothers and sisters dancing in the moonlight around a great pyre of fire ring after ring with horns raised high! I look to the Stag again only to hear within my mind’s eye. You are my child and will never be alone.

Dying from the inside out, a stillness set in stone trapped within my own mind. This endless void where my heart should be, replaced by the heaviness of pain and disappointment. The feeling of disappointment hurts nearly as bad as betrayal. Told to look forward but always looking back. Eyes wide open wishing they were shut. Never dreams all that remains are worries and despair. Dreams are for the young and the rest is left to me is empty and cold. Short lived happiness is all I’ve ever known. It seems I should wish for depression since there is no shortage of that. Perhaps it is too much to hope for fulfillment in ones existence these days. Oh void less despair will I ever be free from your grasp? Will this heaviness in my heart ever leave will my tears be of happiness? Will the truth ever reveal it’s self to me? Trusting thy missing heart will to return to me.

Violation in the dark, While I dream of you. Breathless am I... Oblivious to the crime at hand Adrift in my dreams... Strangers HANDS in the darkness. My dreams suddenly change to nightmares!!! Awaken only to see the face of your Predator! Not the face of my beloved... Flooded by the emotion of Disdain, and Horror!!! USED!!! EXPLOITED!!! VIOLATED!!! Never again!!! Never again!!!!

I drown in the memories, of the ones who lived long ago... Take Solace in the pain of, thee unworthy!! Fill thy chalice with my blood... Mockery Everlasting!!! Veins filled with Venom, heart felt darkness... Blood filled tears come forth from thy eyes.. Mourn thy lost... Stand vigilant over the pests!!!

Alone suffering under the blood moon... Waiting for my end to come... Longing for the love I lost, centuries ago... Memories haunt me, from ancient times... I walk through the dark passages, of the past... Searching for all that I had thought was long gone... I take solace in the knowledge, that I will find what has been taken from me... I will follow you in the beautiful darkness, for all eternity!!!

The flames within my dismal soul, grows by each passing moment... Your very presence sickens me! FREAK! BASTARD! ABOMINATION!!! Fantasies of your fated demise... Blood everywhere! Die! Foul creature!!! Laughter echoes within my tormented mind... As visions of your pathetic exsistance comes, to an end!!! Reality realized... As I taste the blood of thy enemy! Bemused as I watch your life, fade away... Vengeance is mine!! I reign victorious over thee!! Sword in thy hand, Carcass beneath me! Watching your withering rotting flesh dwelling for breath bellow me! Ohhh my sweet taste for Vengeance!

Self indulgence Through Self Destruction Our Demons reveal the skies of crimson... Screams everywhere!!! Vile are the children of Christ! I bathe in the blood of our enemies... Revulsion overtakes me... Asphyxiation of the soul... Mortal death comes.. As the flesh falls as well as your essence from your meaningless shell... Lifeless and empty are the eyes of the damned... Callous am I for I lust for the pain of, wretchedness and self destruction!

I waited for you at the end of eternity... A journey never ending... The longing I feel for you in, the darkness... A pain so overwhelming... Tears fill my eyes, with the memories of ancient times... Cries fill my mind... Torn from thy arms of my beloved... Centuries forgotten love, found once again...

Souls ripped apart, With our flesh parted once more... Our paths divided... The longing unbearable... Hearts cry deep within the, darkness of our own personal hell... Seeking the beat of your heart. Thine essence of your soul.. Piercing stares gazing, though my very spirit... Touched but,Untouched... Lost within the twilight... Fated again to reunite, in darkness of thine night.